Mandrake's Completely Accurate News Blog

Slow News Week Not Getting Any More Exciting

2005-12-13T17:58:00.000-05:00

So nothing happened on Sunday. Nothing happened on Monday, either. As of this moment, Tuesday has been pretty dead.

Now let me be clear on something. When I say "nothing happened," I mean that nothing at all happened in the entire universe. If anybody else tells you differently, then they are a liar. The big news corporations are only making things up to make you think that the world has been interesting this week. Let's not be too angry at them, they have kids to feed.

The media's pimping of falsehoods is not what has compelled me to write this story, my friends. My true purpose today is simply to let you know that things aren't looking all the exciting for the remainder of the week. My 100% reliable sources have informed me that we can expect nothing of note to happen until this Saturday, when I'll probably go out drinking.

My advice to all two of my faithful readers would be to lie in bed, find a really comfortable sleeping position, and just vegetate for the next 96 hours or so. You'll be doing yourself a favor. I would also like to spearhead a newspaper boycott. This week even the most prestigious of papers is merely sinking to the level of the common tabloid. Why waste your money? It'll be safe to buy again next week when we are all greeted with headlines such as: "Remember last week? Yeah, we were just fucking with ya!"

If anything interesting happens before this weekend, I'll be sure to let you know. All I'm saying is that you shouldn't get your hopes up.

Scandal Rocks Holiday Party

2005-12-10T03:47:00.000-05:00

This reporter just returned from a classy holiday soiree, and let me tell you... newsworthy events abound! First and foremost, you will all be relieved to know that, after much deliberation, Clayton has decided to keep the goat. Good call, buddy. You look kinda creepy without it. You know, like some sort of bizarro Clayton.

Apex Mortgage hosted its annual holiday party this evening at the posh Hilton of Easton. How did I manage to slip onto the guest list, you ask? None of your damned business, I say! So I threw on my best rental tux and moved in to give you all a first-hand account of the event. They had everything: food, drink, fake gambling, merriment, and intrigue. The dinner was top-notch and there was much to drink. Even though I was on the clock I decided to partake of the alcohols solely for the purpose of blending in. After dinner, a casino night event was held. Here is where things get interesting.

This paragraph is only to be read by the first poker dealer I sat with. I don't know his name, but it was probably Daniel. Daniel, you need to go to your local Barnes and Noble and buy a book on Texas Hold'em. You do not burn a card before you start dealing and you do not start dealing to left of the blinds. Every pathetic hand that I got was meant for somebody else. Seriously. Give the crap to other people, not me. Also, if you want to protect your credibility as a dealer, you may want to refrain from speaking aloud every action you are performing as you deal. You might also want to spend some time familiarizing yourself with commonly used poker accessories such as cards and chips. I just don't want you looking like a dumbass again; it's all in your best interest.

So after I totally spanked everybody at poker, a drawing was held for fabulous prizes. This is what I'm told, anyway. I didn't actually win any prizes. And do you want to know why? SCANDAL! That's why. We all received raffle tickets according to our final chip stacks. I, of course, had the maximum number of tickets allowed to be entered in the drawing. The first winning ticket number was called out. None of the digits called out matched anything I held in my hand. WTF. The same thing happened for the remaining prizes until the last one. "Eight," the guy said. It was looking good for me. "Three," and we're getting warmer. "Four three," and I'm totally about to win. "Six four." Winner: Todd the maintenance guy? How did he even get in the party? Just what the hell kind of crummy operation is this? Sure, he works in the building. Sure, he's a decent guy. But what the hell was he doing there? Why was he stealing my hard earned swag? I was considering writing a letter to the Hilton's management, but I'm kind of tired and don't really feel like it anymore.

In entertainment news, I went and saw Narnia after the party. The highlights of the film were that I drank a glass of New Castle through a straw and people looked at me funny for going to a movie in a tux. Also, a lion bit a guy. Oh, I'm sorry. *SPOILER* A lion bit a guy. */SPOILER* I'd go back and remove the unflagged spoiler, but I'm on a roll and the backspace key is a little out of the way.

That's it for tonight, ladies and gents. Tune in later for some more hard-hitting news-like factish stories from yours truly. Time to pop some advil, drink a big glass of water, and prepare for a good eleven hour sleep.

We're Not Safe

2005-12-09T13:48:00.000-05:00

My good friend and colleague monty has recently posted a rant regarding the silliness of some of the terms used to describe computer crimes. While I agree with his opinions, I must say that these crimes are no laughing matter. Sensitive corporate data must be protected at all costs. This is going to become rather difficult now that a new threat has hit the technology scene. I suppose I am using the word "new" rather loosely, as this new wave of attacks can find its roots in ancient eastern cultures. I am, of course, talking about NinjaH4x.

Just today, Microsoft was infiltrated by a team of Blackberry-wielding ninjas who made off with loads of customer data. Is your information safe from NinjaH4x? Large corporations would tell you "Yeah, buddy, of course your info is safe! We've got all that jazz locked down. Booyah!" These people are lying to you. My investigative team (voices in my head) have delved below the surface of this ninja hackery and have uncovered a vast conspiracy! Read on if you wish to no longer trust ANYBODY.

In the late 90's a project was started by the guys that pretty much run the technology industry. I'm not really sure who they are (I'll just call them "They" from here on out,) but They almost assuredly live in a really cool looking space station where They carry out experiments of varying degrees of evil. Anyway, They were working on solving the problem of software piracy. It is a well known scientific fact that the best way to stop a pirate is to employ the services of a ninja, so this is where it all began. They acquired a team of real ninjas. I'm not sure how, but I'm pretty sure that time travel was involved. The ninjas were then trained in the use of techie geek gadgets and taught to stop piracy once and for all.

The early days of the experiment were quite catastrophic. They realized that the ninjas could not overcome their baser instincts and would actually kill any software pirates that were uncovered. Since it was so difficult to sue a corpse, the project was put on hold and the ninjas were cryogenically frozen to protect the masses.

Then came Napster.

The RIAA's top scientists confronted They to acquire their project notes and unleash the ninja army once again. When They refused, a war broke out (we didn't notice because it happened in space) and the space station crashed into the ocean (we didn't notice because it was in a very remote part of the ocean and there weren't any boats out there.) The RIAA didn't have the funds to locate the station since all of those dirty pirates were refusing to buy their overpriced CDs.

Then the MPAA stepped in.

With their combined efforts, the entertainment industry was able to unearth (unwater?) They's space station and awoke the ninja army. Now it is a well known scientific fact that ninjas breed like rabbits. Within hours, the entertainment industry was overwhelmed by an army of over a bajillion ninjas, which proceeded to reek havoc on the technology industry to get revenge for being all frozen and stuff.

So there you have it... the truth about NinjaH4x. What can we do about this threat? I would recommend staying away from shadows, as they may contain hidden ninjas. Watch your credit card statements for unusual purchases such as shuriken or smoke bombs. Do a Google search for the nearest dojo and invest in some samurai training. And, above all, avoid pirating any music, movies, or software as this will attract the ninjas. Of course, you can download these things illegally if you are connected to your neighbor's unsecured wireless network. That'll teach him not to borrow your lawnmower and never return it.